Travelling for first time with someone, New York, August 9th 2014

Travelling for first time with someone, New York, August 9th 2014

I write the following as I have heard of so many friendships breaking up when travelling together.

Life long friendships and evenromantic relationships being  compromised or destroyed due to not establishing some clear guidelines when travelling together.

The following is our list of things that we have discussed in our 35 years together.  Yes and we have had some huge "barnies", rows or spats or arguments when travelling but the following has reduced their severity and frequency.

Background information:

When I was a Learning and Development Consultant at the old Bank Of Melbourne (in the 1980s to 1990s) I did an activity that the other staff used to nickname "The Walk With Raymond."  It is a simple rapport building activity when someone new joined our department.   A simple strategy to get to know your new colleague.  I would go for a walk with them at lunch time and ask about their interests and backgrounds and how they like to work.  I would also try to understand their preferences for working.

Many Senior Managers have said this should be the standard for many people being inducted into a new area and for general working together.

Then came the clincher:  I would ask them "how do they deal with conflict?'  Usually their response would be "I don't have conflicts" or "There won't be conflict between us!'  I would always say  "Yes there will" as I realistically know that people are human.  I was not being aggressive, I was trying to be pro-active and to reduce the likelihood of major conflicts.

After their initial shock, pause, silence and realisation that I was serious,  I would share examples of what I do when stressed or upset.  I did this to show that no one is perfect and we all are not angels.

I would then ask them "what are the signs of you getting stressed? And "How will I know that you are upset ?  "What annoys you?" and "What do you do when you are upset.  For example go quiet or eat more or other behaviours?"  

I would then explain how I dealt with conflict.  Ever since I was about three years old I was always the mediator.

I would emphasise that their information was confidential and it was about building trust with them.  I always offered support and working friendship to ensure quality and maximum growth for the company.  

Generally people really appreciated the time that I took to get to know them and understand their way of working.  I built up a reputation of respect and some people would joke about this activity as it was like a rite of passage.  It also created some jealousies with some people that they did not do this first.

I found it a turning point and built up genuine trust with most people.  

In thirteen and half years I only had two major altercations.  I was lucky as I saw many other staff not deal pro-actively with their relationship building.

I will update these hints as I think of them under the following headings:

Preparing for a trip hints:

Use the example above and adapt it to "How will we travel together?"

What do you like to do?

What are your three priorties for this trip?

What do like to do?

How much time do you like to go shopping, touring, walking, activities, dining, partying etc?

Where to travel to?

You both have to decide where you want to travel to and the amount of time you are there.

Disagreements or discomfort here is a sign it may not work out travelling together.  Some one may monopolise your dreams or ideas.  Be clear about your objectives.

It is a compromise at all times.

Be clear about why you are travelling and what are your objectives:

Fun

Partying

History

Educational

Music tour

Sport

Theatre,

Following in someone's tracks tour eg Hume and Hovell or Ghengis Khan etc

Road trip

Relaxation

Touring

Sight seeing

Musician fan tour eg Bon Jovi concert tour 

Accommodation:

Sleeping arrangements: double beds, queen, king,  twin, separate rooms etc?

Do you want to go to Bed and Breakfast establishments, hotels, motels, apartments, rent a house, share, etc?

Finances:

Establish that everyone can afford to travel and their budget.  Do not borrow money for a holiday as you will be paying it off for ages. I have heard so many stories of regreets in my banking years about this.

Go on a holiday you can afford.  We had to go to Bright or Ballarat for years as we could not afford to go overseas.  We have such lovely memories of these places too.

What happens if someone runs out of money?

Be clear about risk management and contingency plans.

Travel Insurance:  All have to have it.  No questions asked!!

Partying: 

Alcohol, sex,drugs and rock and roll etc

Where, when and how often.

Establish clear boundaries and you will enjoy your parties even more.

Do you allow some one to stay in your accommodation with you for a night or extended stay?

Food and eating: 

Where, when, how, who, what.  Do you cook in?  If so how often?

What sorts of food do you all enjoy?  Willing to try etc.

Planned versus spontaneous time:

Planned or spontaneous:  What is the ratio of planned and spontaneous activities?  How do you decide this?  How do you change plans or to enjoy the spontaneity?

Compromising:

Discuss and make clear rules about discussing issues.  This includes how long to discuss and time out guidelines.  Some people need space and time to digest their feelings.

Time out:

Everyone needs their own space.  So set clear boundaries of "I need to go for a walk" or "I want to read" etc

For each week of travel you need one day to recharge and take it easy.  You cannot be on the go all the time.

Luggage:

Be clear about capacity and carrying your own items in your luggage etc.

How much luggage?  Luggage allowances etc

Laundry and hygiene:

Personal hygeine has caused many arguments.  Fill in your imagination here as you are right "shit happens!"

Set clear goals of what you expect from each other.  For example the towels hung up, or the toilet seat up or down, space for each person's toiletry items etc.  These are the ones that really set off the biggest arguments.

Be clear about each other's needs and wants.

Sex:

So many things happen here.   There are so many fabulous stories people have shared with me about this category.

The following are questions to consider as I could tell you a story about  every one of them.

Who with?

When?

How often?

Sex toys?  Where to be used or to be stored etc

Privacy: You do not need to know their personal information but do raise the issue.  If they masturbate establish clear guidelines about where.  If sharing a room you do not want to walk in on them if the door is unlocked or in the same room etc.  (I can hear you all cringing and shrugging at this but I can tell you some fantastic stories about this.)

Jet lag:

So many travellers are unaware of how jet lagged they are when travelling.  That is why you need time out.  We think it takes about three days to start to get over jet lag when travelling to the USA from Australia.  We acknowledge clear guidelines about sleep patterns and to talk to each other about how you are feeling.

Even with jet lag medications and hints the main one is to talk to each other and have time out to adjust.

Get sunshine or light to assist you.

You know your own body and respect that about your travelling companion.  It is their body and their reactions and people can get very stressed when jet lagged and make irrational decisions.

Many people when really stressed from jet lag just want to go home.  It happens frequently so by talking through many of these ideas in advance you will have a more memorable trip.

Perfect trip:

No trip is perfect.  Do not set your expectations so high to disappoint yourself.

We have learned to reduce our planned activities and enjoy the spontaneous activities more. For example, in New York there is so much to do so you need this unscheduled time to enjoy these moments.

Set a post trip review date:

Set a time to review the trip within a specific date or a time frame.  Do not let it go further than two weeks or the likelihood of a post trip review will lessen.  The post trip review is to share the fun times and review what worked well and what did not work so well.  It is a way to make sure that you will travel again later and even more succesfully.

Roles for preparing to travel:

Who will do what to prepare for this trip?

Who willl organise the itinerary, the bookings, the accomodation, the travel insurance etc

Be clear about the roles as again this can cause friction.

Remember you can always pull out of a trip if you sense dread.  I assure you the dread will materialise from the stories I have heard.

Establish the clear guidleines of still gong on the trip or not going etc.  What will change the plans?  Do not use excuses - be clear about what would make the trip a "No go!"

Roles when travelling:

I am such a historical buff and want to appreciate things and photograph the moment that it can frustrate my partner.  But we undersatnd our roles and talk about it.  We both enjoy our roles and have fun accordingly.

My partner and myself have a list of roles.  Some people think this is unbalanced and it appears so, but it is our in-joke.

My friend Lorraine was in tears when I wrote my list the first time.  Thanks Lorraine for your encouragement.

Important:  Prior to booking any travel arrangements the rules for travel need to be clearly established.

If you cannot agree on ALL of the above, DO NOT TRAVEL together.  I can give you many examples of disasters.  I am serious you need to work out all of the above to really enjoy the trip.

Traveling together hints:

Copy the above here with variations on the theme.

Keep communicating but know when to shut up and give the other person a break.

Ensure that you set a time to review the trip and stick to it.  You want the magic of the trip to linger.

Post trip evaluation:

Set a time to review the trip even if it was a disaster as it may clear the air.

Have a meal together, or a drink.  Have a photo night, or the old fashioned slide night, or iPAD,  Power Point presentation.  

But do something special together.

Enjoy your time together and the memories.

Ask each other:

What went well generally?

What went well and be specific?

What could have been done differently or better?  And why?  Be specific about what you would prefer next time.

If your trip was a disaster repeat the above process ten times until you both learn to communicate, share and compromise.

Happy Travels.