Travelling for first time with someone, New York, August 9th 2014

Travelling for first time with someone, New York, August 9th 2014

I write the following as I have heard of so many friendships breaking up when travelling together.

Life long friendships and evenromantic relationships being  compromised or destroyed due to not establishing some clear guidelines when travelling together.

The following is our list of things that we have discussed in our 35 years together.  Yes and we have had some huge "barnies", rows or spats or arguments when travelling but the following has reduced their severity and frequency.

Background information:

When I was a Learning and Development Consultant at the old Bank Of Melbourne (in the 1980s to 1990s) I did an activity that the other staff used to nickname "The Walk With Raymond."  It is a simple rapport building activity when someone new joined our department.   A simple strategy to get to know your new colleague.  I would go for a walk with them at lunch time and ask about their interests and backgrounds and how they like to work.  I would also try to understand their preferences for working.

Many Senior Managers have said this should be the standard for many people being inducted into a new area and for general working together.

Then came the clincher:  I would ask them "how do they deal with conflict?'  Usually their response would be "I don't have conflicts" or "There won't be conflict between us!'  I would always say  "Yes there will" as I realistically know that people are human.  I was not being aggressive, I was trying to be pro-active and to reduce the likelihood of major conflicts.

After their initial shock, pause, silence and realisation that I was serious,  I would share examples of what I do when stressed or upset.  I did this to show that no one is perfect and we all are not angels.

I would then ask them "what are the signs of you getting stressed? And "How will I know that you are upset ?  "What annoys you?" and "What do you do when you are upset.  For example go quiet or eat more or other behaviours?"  

I would then explain how I dealt with conflict.  Ever since I was about three years old I was always the mediator.

I would emphasise that their information was confidential and it was about building trust with them.  I always offered support and working friendship to ensure quality and maximum growth for the company.  

Generally people really appreciated the time that I took to get to know them and understand their way of working.  I built up a reputation of respect and some people would joke about this activity as it was like a rite of passage.  It also created some jealousies with some people that they did not do this first.

I found it a turning point and built up genuine trust with most people.  

In thirteen and half years I only had two major altercations.  I was lucky as I saw many other staff not deal pro-actively with their relationship building.

I will update these hints as I think of them under the following headings:

Preparing for a trip hints:

Use the example above and adapt it to "How will we travel together?"

What do you like to do?

What are your three priorties for this trip?

What do like to do?

How much time do you like to go shopping, touring, walking, activities, dining, partying etc?

Where to travel to?

You both have to decide where you want to travel to and the amount of time you are there.

Disagreements or discomfort here is a sign it may not work out travelling together.  Some one may monopolise your dreams or ideas.  Be clear about your objectives.

It is a compromise at all times.

Be clear about why you are travelling and what are your objectives:

Fun

Partying

History

Educational

Music tour

Sport

Theatre,

Following in someone's tracks tour eg Hume and Hovell or Ghengis Khan etc

Road trip

Relaxation

Touring

Sight seeing

Musician fan tour eg Bon Jovi concert tour 

Accommodation:

Sleeping arrangements: double beds, queen, king,  twin, separate rooms etc?

Do you want to go to Bed and Breakfast establishments, hotels, motels, apartments, rent a house, share, etc?

Finances:

Establish that everyone can afford to travel and their budget.  Do not borrow money for a holiday as you will be paying it off for ages. I have heard so many stories of regreets in my banking years about this.

Go on a holiday you can afford.  We had to go to Bright or Ballarat for years as we could not afford to go overseas.  We have such lovely memories of these places too.

What happens if someone runs out of money?

Be clear about risk management and contingency plans.

Travel Insurance:  All have to have it.  No questions asked!!

Partying: 

Alcohol, sex,drugs and rock and roll etc

Where, when and how often.

Establish clear boundaries and you will enjoy your parties even more.

Do you allow some one to stay in your accommodation with you for a night or extended stay?

Food and eating: 

Where, when, how, who, what.  Do you cook in?  If so how often?

What sorts of food do you all enjoy?  Willing to try etc.

Planned versus spontaneous time:

Planned or spontaneous:  What is the ratio of planned and spontaneous activities?  How do you decide this?  How do you change plans or to enjoy the spontaneity?

Compromising:

Discuss and make clear rules about discussing issues.  This includes how long to discuss and time out guidelines.  Some people need space and time to digest their feelings.

Time out:

Everyone needs their own space.  So set clear boundaries of "I need to go for a walk" or "I want to read" etc

For each week of travel you need one day to recharge and take it easy.  You cannot be on the go all the time.

Luggage:

Be clear about capacity and carrying your own items in your luggage etc.

How much luggage?  Luggage allowances etc

Laundry and hygiene:

Personal hygeine has caused many arguments.  Fill in your imagination here as you are right "shit happens!"

Set clear goals of what you expect from each other.  For example the towels hung up, or the toilet seat up or down, space for each person's toiletry items etc.  These are the ones that really set off the biggest arguments.

Be clear about each other's needs and wants.

Sex:

So many things happen here.   There are so many fabulous stories people have shared with me about this category.

The following are questions to consider as I could tell you a story about  every one of them.

Who with?

When?

How often?

Sex toys?  Where to be used or to be stored etc

Privacy: You do not need to know their personal information but do raise the issue.  If they masturbate establish clear guidelines about where.  If sharing a room you do not want to walk in on them if the door is unlocked or in the same room etc.  (I can hear you all cringing and shrugging at this but I can tell you some fantastic stories about this.)

Jet lag:

So many travellers are unaware of how jet lagged they are when travelling.  That is why you need time out.  We think it takes about three days to start to get over jet lag when travelling to the USA from Australia.  We acknowledge clear guidelines about sleep patterns and to talk to each other about how you are feeling.

Even with jet lag medications and hints the main one is to talk to each other and have time out to adjust.

Get sunshine or light to assist you.

You know your own body and respect that about your travelling companion.  It is their body and their reactions and people can get very stressed when jet lagged and make irrational decisions.

Many people when really stressed from jet lag just want to go home.  It happens frequently so by talking through many of these ideas in advance you will have a more memorable trip.

Perfect trip:

No trip is perfect.  Do not set your expectations so high to disappoint yourself.

We have learned to reduce our planned activities and enjoy the spontaneous activities more. For example, in New York there is so much to do so you need this unscheduled time to enjoy these moments.

Set a post trip review date:

Set a time to review the trip within a specific date or a time frame.  Do not let it go further than two weeks or the likelihood of a post trip review will lessen.  The post trip review is to share the fun times and review what worked well and what did not work so well.  It is a way to make sure that you will travel again later and even more succesfully.

Roles for preparing to travel:

Who will do what to prepare for this trip?

Who willl organise the itinerary, the bookings, the accomodation, the travel insurance etc

Be clear about the roles as again this can cause friction.

Remember you can always pull out of a trip if you sense dread.  I assure you the dread will materialise from the stories I have heard.

Establish the clear guidleines of still gong on the trip or not going etc.  What will change the plans?  Do not use excuses - be clear about what would make the trip a "No go!"

Roles when travelling:

I am such a historical buff and want to appreciate things and photograph the moment that it can frustrate my partner.  But we undersatnd our roles and talk about it.  We both enjoy our roles and have fun accordingly.

My partner and myself have a list of roles.  Some people think this is unbalanced and it appears so, but it is our in-joke.

My friend Lorraine was in tears when I wrote my list the first time.  Thanks Lorraine for your encouragement.

Important:  Prior to booking any travel arrangements the rules for travel need to be clearly established.

If you cannot agree on ALL of the above, DO NOT TRAVEL together.  I can give you many examples of disasters.  I am serious you need to work out all of the above to really enjoy the trip.

Traveling together hints:

Copy the above here with variations on the theme.

Keep communicating but know when to shut up and give the other person a break.

Ensure that you set a time to review the trip and stick to it.  You want the magic of the trip to linger.

Post trip evaluation:

Set a time to review the trip even if it was a disaster as it may clear the air.

Have a meal together, or a drink.  Have a photo night, or the old fashioned slide night, or iPAD,  Power Point presentation.  

But do something special together.

Enjoy your time together and the memories.

Ask each other:

What went well generally?

What went well and be specific?

What could have been done differently or better?  And why?  Be specific about what you would prefer next time.

If your trip was a disaster repeat the above process ten times until you both learn to communicate, share and compromise.

Happy Travels.

United Nations and Tudor City, New York, Wednesday August 6th 2014

United Nations and Tudor City, New York, Wednesday August 6th  2014

Wlked along 50th St to the East River and via St Bartholomew's Church.  Gorgeous vaulted ceilings and stained glass window.

No crowds in this area and easy to walk.  Then to the United Nations and to Tudor City.  You get fantastic views of the United Nations from Tudor City and we are surprised that more tourists do not go there.

We then walked via 41st St to Grand Central for a wee stop.  Then walked to Times Square to get our train back to 72nd St.  I wish the average New Yorker could tell me the exact demarcation of Duffy Square and Times Square.  I think Duffy Square has been swallowed up into Times Square.  But it is triangle bordered by 45th and 47th Streets and Broadway and 7th Avenue.

We discussed about the lemmings mentality of many tourists who are probably only here for three to five days.  That is not enough.  Do immersion travel and do thing well.  Study the history and really engage and enjoy New York  City!

Crown Lager should be readily available in New York.  This is a huge missed opportunity in New York by Carlton and United Brewery

Still shocked that it is so difficult to get an A4 size laminated map of Central Park.

Hey guys there is a missed opportunity here.

Opportunities and 40th Anniversary in New York, August 7th 2014

Opportunities and 40th Anniversary in New York, August 7th 2014

The following are examples of opportunities in New York:

Crown Lager is not available in any bar or hotel or restuarant that we have been to.  It is such a good beer and should be available here.  While there is a Australian wine "Yellow Tail" that is much more expensive in Australia than it is here.  A great wine too. 

"Sardis" need to have a postcard or a map similar to the "Hollywood Walk Of Fame."  This would allow patrons to locate the various stars.

The best maps in New York include those published by vanDam.   The other maps are the Tribute Edition and the Concierge maps as they have an enlarged version of the lower downtown/financial district.  The Tribute Edition is available free from Federal Hall in Wall St.

Federal Hall  have toilets down stairs and do not miss the printing press on display from the famous trial of John Peter Zenger who was succesfully defended by Andrew Hamilton in about 1735. This printing press to me represents "Freedom of Speech" and truth as a defence in a libel accusation.

There is not a decent map of Central Park available for New York's Central Park.   I have a few versions but a fold up laminated one similar to the other A4 size would be perfect.  Having the north and south ends of the park on either side of the park, or having a general version on one side and a detailed version on the other.  I will contact vanDam maps with my suggestion.

Today is also the 40th anniversary of Phillipe Petit walking for 45 minutes on a high wire between the Twin Towers.  A special day.   If you have not seen the documentary "Man On A Wire" then do so to be spellbound at Petit's determination. 

9/11 Memorial New York City Monday August 4th 2014

9/11 Memorial, New York City Monday August 4th 2014

Today we walked from Wall St along Liberty St towards the 9/11 Memorial Park.  We had been around this area on every trip since 2008 and have chosen not to go and see it until the shell of the Freedom Tower was completed.

So today was a memorable day as we will never forget that morning in Melbourne.  I was grateful that I went to bed early on the Melbourne September 11th.  To wake up on our September 12th morning day was so sad and still brings me to tears.

When my partner screamed when he turned on the tv.  I shouted as I had no idea of the situation.   I cried and cried as I drove all the way up Burke Road to Heidleberg for a training session that was to run for three days.  The traffic was so slow that day.

with a wonderful group of people at Hagermeyer.  To share that memorable day with them is etched in my memory.  I will never forget their faces as I was trying to facilitate a leadership program.  One of the most powerful training sessions I have ever run.  

It was wonderfully meditative to reflect upon each of the names that I could see.  I, like many had to touch their names as if they had touched our hearts.  My partner commented that the metal was not hot in the summer sunshine beating down on the metal.  I think I saw on a documentary that this design was intentional to juxtapose the heat of the day.

Tears rolled down my face as I quietly tried to reflect and wander around.  I was a bit disappointed that some tourist use it like a bucket list of "Must do" NYC destinations.  Though being through too many deaths I understand that there is no way to grieve.  It is personal.  I just had to step back inside myself and repeat that to myself.

We will go to the 9/11 Museum on another day as it deserves our full attention and a break from seeing the memorial.  We need to savour the richness of life that NYC has grown out of this tragedy.

We went to "Brooks Brothers" on Liberty Street and were served by very accommodating staff.  Mark provided great service and the clothes suit our colouring as they have Spring tones according to the Carol Jackson "Colour For Men" system.

What is amazing is that on the second floor of "Brooks Brothers" is the photographic display of the impact of 9/11 and the new store.  There is a very spooky photograph with what looks like a body but is a mannequin laying on the floor.  In the photograph next to this is the new store version and what appears to be a ghost.

I believe what is now the main lobby to the building is where the sports department for Brooks Brothers was located.  This is where they stored bodies like a morgue.  It was very special and an honour to visit and pay our respects.  Tears well in my eyes as I try to type this as the emotion is still so raw.  I try not to suppress my emotions as I do not think that is healthy.  Empathy is what the world needs.

Each year we come here you can see areas being renewed.  It is creating a fresher spirit.  We have noticed less scaffolding this year is as if the chains or cages are allowing everyone to savour New York's vitality again.

Thank you New York for your renewal.  

Chicago and The Shrine Temple July 29th 2014

Chicago and The Shrine Temple July 29th 2014

We are having an amazing time in Chicago and now NYC.

Caught up with Antar and Chris in NYC as they are on tour with Miley Cyrus.  The timing was great to see them here and we will also see them in LA. Sadly we could not see the concert as we had tickets for "Motown" which was ok.

Today is the NYC Triathlon and Paul saw them running for the finish.  We walked yesterday for about three hours and saw the Swimming Entry Point, Swimming Exit Point and the Bike Pick Up locations with all of the Triathlon Marshals preparing for today.  It is a very slick and professional event.  So impressed at the project management in action.

We walked to Grant's Tomb (our fourth time) and St John Divine Cathedral (our fourth time) and meditated there.  It is so peaceful.  Then we got a bus back as the train track was being serviced.  This was our first official bus ride and is a great service.

I bought my sister and niece a really useful gift.  They are covers for three different size paper back novels.  A new idea and I bought them at the book store "After-words" in Chicago.

Chicago for ten days was fantastic.  We did 20 (6- 8 hour walks) and 22 train trips for $33 and saw two good shows.  It is a very modern and clean city.  The public transport there is even better than NYC!

Chicago has wide streets and many are one way to allow greater flow of traffic. The shopping is fantastic, not that we did much.  Walking past the shops was incredible.

There are so many quality restaurants and the choices are hard.

I went to what used to be "The Shrine Temple" which is opposite "Pizzeria Due".  Both Antar and Ree had separately suggested going to both.  Thankfully they are across the road from each other.  Ree and Andre, and Antar's family had worked at "The Shrine Temple" which is now a Bloomingdales store.  Antar and Ree had both told me about their times working the circus there and the history.

I went past "The Shrine Temple"/Bloomingdales about four times and finally went inside by myself.  I spoke to a Geraldo in the kitchenware department who was excited that I knew about some of the history and he told me to go upstairs to see the domed ceiling and the photos.  So I did.

Upstairs I was taking photos and I had asked permission to do so.  Two senior executive smartly dressed gentlemen asked if I needed anything.  I told them about Ree and Antar.  They were interested and at the time I thought they were just showing courtesy.  They directed me in the direction of the photos.

I accidentally went behind the photo display and a lady asked me if she could help.  She pointed to where I had just walked behind the photos, only to have the younger executive come after me.  He seemed to be beside himself!

His name was Joshua and was responsible for Formacollective.com and was so excited that I had connections and contacts about the history of "The Shrine Temple."  Joshua said he would send out people to Las Vegas to interview and film Ree and Andre and document their stories and their life at "The Shrine Temple."  He told me about the project and I said I would contact Ree and Antar and ask them if they were interested.

I finally got to see the photos and was beside myself as I thought that I recognised some of the photos that Antar's parents, Antar Senior and Beverly had shown us in 2012.  The Fez hats were their signature costume identity.

I called Ree and she has just had an operation on her foot.  She cannot walk for a month, and so us not going to Las Vegas worked out in a timely fashion.

At first Ree thought she had nothing to offer about the history but I knew that Joshua wanted their stories of the five shows a day and what it was like to live at "The Shrine Temple" for six weeks at a time for four years.

Joshua also loved the way Ree and Andre met and their life together.  Ree realised her life was interesting and that she knew more about "The Shrine Temple" than she gave herself credit for.  Ree gave me permission to give Joshua her details. Ree said she would makes notes in preparation.  We both laughed as it will give her something to do while she is not  allowed to move around for a month.  Note that Suzie her daughter would beg Ree to tell her the stories of her time at "The Shrine Temple."  It feels so good to share their history by them sharing their stories with me.

Antar also worked there from a young child and for much longer than Ree and Andre.  Their family worked their in the 19060s to the 1980s. He too gave permission to give details to Joshua.  I gave Antar one of the many cards that Joshua had given me.

Well Joshua replied and will be in contact with Ree and Andre and will send crew to interview them etc.  He will do the same with Antar's family too.  Joshua is going to keep me informed also.

It felt incredible to be the conduit to this potential project.  Jack Ruffin my mentor at Bank Of Melbourne said that was one of my greatest attributes as a Project Manager was creating the networks for other people to create the project and other potential projects.

Saw "Aladdin" last night based on the Disney cartoon.  So funny.  Incredibly magical special effects and illusions.  A real Las Vegas show.

il Vagabondo New York Sunday August 3rd 2014

il Vagabondo New York Sunday August 3rd 2014

We walked via 59th St along the start of Central Park past the Plaza Suite Hotel (which is now only residential) to go to il Vagabondo Restaurant.

We walked past where Edie Bouvier Beal grew up.  Think of "Grey Gardens"

The il Vagabondo Restaurant is near the Roosevelt Island Overhead Cable tram that has spectacular views of New York both night and day.  Totally recommend this as a day tour and to walk around the island.  

We had the following delicious meal:

We both had a lovely glass of Moscato champagne at $10 a glass.  A lovely way to treat yourself to a special occasion.  We shared a bottle of Ca'Donini Chardonnay at $36 a bottle and a lovely drop that refreshed while we enjoyed our meal.  Note we enjoy wines and are not wine connoisseurs.  It either is drinkable or it is not!

My partner enjoyed the distinct flavours in his Tomato and Mozarella Appetiser while my Minestrone Soup had a rich flavour without being overbearing.  The vegetables were chunky, bite sized and not overcooked.  The texture of the soup was lovely and balanced as some can be too thick and heavy.

My partner had the special Lasagna at $21.50 and loved it as it did not have too much garlic flavour.  My Veal Parmigiana was tender and a generous size, with a side of Penne and meat sauce.

The Bocce Ball dessert is the speciality dessert and worth sharing.

The restaurant houses the only indoor Bocce Court in a New York Restaurant.  After your meal, enjoy a game of Bocce and it is a great way to meet other people from around the world, and have a fun night out.

Note that you may not play Bocce during a meal.  They welcome you to play after a meal.  There are rules on the court and it is a very fun and social game.

A real gem of Italian Culture and superb service.

We walked past an interesting sex shop as it was not your seedy looking shop.  "The Pleasure Chest" is  very slick and clean and professional shop front that you could see inside to see their wares!  We could not resist as it seemed to be so well laid out.  (Layed out!  Bad joke!)

Heavens the range tickles your fantasy and is great that sex is not considered a sordid dirty aspect of life.  I admire the entrepreneurs for having such a stylish range of items.  Also the prices are so reasonable comparred to Australia.  Stock up on supplies.  Thinking of which I did not see any stocks!  Though I did see other restraints.  So use some restraint with your purchases!  Or blow your budget!

Walked back to the hotel through the lower well lit parts of Central Park and rang my mother and sister.

Why call your bank with travel plans? August 3rd 2014 5.20pm

Why call your bank with travel plans?  August 3rd 2014 5.20pm

Why even bother calling your bank with your travel plans when they stop your card?  I am livid as this is the second time this has happened.  Even more livid as I have documented and also rang my bank to tell them the specific cities I would be visiting.

I took the time and courtesy to be explicit to notify my bank about the following:

The specific hotels with addresses I would be staying.  The specific book stores I would buy from.

The specific items I would buy on the internet and have delivered to the hotel.

The specific tickets I would buy for the shows I would attend.

They then rejected my card as one of the above transactions was done here while in New York!  It is a company that I have used on two previous occasions with larger financial transaction.

I do appreciate the security aspect.  I am cool with that.

What i am really livid about is the three incompetant staff who would not listen to me to transfer the call to the appropriate card department to resolve the issue.

What I am furious about is that this has cost me two hours and ten minutes to resolve.   

It took the last customer service operator, Andrew to resolve the issue in about three minutes.

My question is:  Why cannot the staff be trained to listen to customers?  Why do they not know to transfer the call?

It is only when you have an experienced person that they can resolve these issues.  Even when you ask them to speak to their supervisor they insist they know what they are dong.

Well. ANZ they do not!